Just Stay at Home

I said a little bit about Final Crisis #7, but I wanted to go a little more in depth on my thoughts about the series as a whole. There were some questions about my declaration that I "liked" issue number seven. Well I did like issue seven. But I also didn't like it.

The final issue had a lot to like. It had President Superman, Wacky Japanese Guy, Aquaman, the Zoo Crew, Flash Facts, and 50 Supermen. Those were the panels that made me smile. But those were just a few pieces of one part of the series. As a whole? Final Crisis was a bit of a mess.

It seemed to have a lot of those Grant Morrison "let's throw crazy shit in and see how people flip out" moments. But by and large, it didn't make a lot of sense. Or it makes sense, but only to the fevered brain of one deranged Scotsman. And that's okay. Those are the kind of stories he wants to write and there is a place for them.

But are those the sorts of stories we need in our big blockbuster crossovers? (if we need big blockbuster crossovers at all!) As much as I am loathe to compare my beloved DC to their competition I'm afraid must. Because sometimes you have to give some tough love.

Let's compare some of Marvel and DC's recent crossovers. Now we're not going to compare the minutiae because for these purposes those things aren't important. Civil War may have been a mess as well, but the point I want to make here is about ease of transmission. To the casual reader (if he or she exists), to the lapsed fan, and to the outside world. Consider these sentences:

Civil War tells the story of two factions who fight over the right of the government to regulate super-heroes.

Infinite Crisis tells the story of a number of refugees from a twenty year-old series, two of whom are alternate universe Supermen who along with an alternate universe Lex Luthor decide that our world's heroes are corrupt because they let magic get out of control, chaos erupt on a distant planet, villains unite, and Batman builds a crazy satellite.

You see how complicated that is? I haven't even scratched the surface of Infinite Crisis there. You cannot describe it in one sentence. The title doesn't really mean anything. Civil War -- much to my chagrin -- does a better job of telling you exactly what it is in once sentence. And in a single two word title.

Next up:

Secret Invasion tells the story of a secret invasion of Earth by shapeshifting aliens.

Final Crisis tells the story of a war among the gods which leads to the universe falling apart and... I got nothing. I can't do it. Maybe if I threw in the word "metatextual" it would make sense...

This is the problem with what DC has been doing with its crossovers. They are far to insular. They cannot be understood without being steeped in years of DC history. I won't pretend that I don't like that stuff sometimes. I'm one of a select number (probably including all you reading this) who do know that DC history. But a casual reader couldn't pick up Final Crisis and keep his head on straight. He or she could pick up Secret Invasion and know what it's about simply by reading the cover.

Now, this whole thing has very little bearing on the actual quality of the stories. Final Crisis wasn't my cup of tea, but I thought Infinite Crisis was a rollicking good yarn. And I understand that Civil War was as much of a mess in the eyes of some as Final Crisis turned out to be. But again, you can pick it up and know what it's about by reading the cover.

If DC wants to recover some of that market share that Marvel dominates they need to reevaluate the way they do big crossovers. Maybe Blackest Night is a step in the right direction. After all, "Blackest Night tells the story of dead super-heroes rising from their graves to take revenge upon the living" is both concise and kickass.

This is Thursday Night Thinking, and here's an interesting thought for you:

Try and guess which DC comic gave us these fantastic thoughts. For bonus points guess which panel made me giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl...

... in my comics this week.

I really liked my comics this week.

• Didn't expect to see Yankee Poodle there, I must confess.
• Hardtime smackdown uglygirl payback.
• "The Story of the Robot That Attacked Me"
• Selina's exit strategy, complete with helpers.
• Ted's notes; marvelous, simply marvelous.
• Jim Harper has a new job.
• So does Zod.
• And Starman.
• The So-Called Guardians of the Universe.
• Heh. Of course the Giant Penny survives. It always survives. God bless Joe Coyne.
• "Is that a family name?" Nice one.
• Funny; I was about to drop Teen Titans. But with this (and I can't believe I'm saying this) Brother Blood issue it seems to have suddenly become twice as interesting.
• Carapax... in two comics this month? Really? That's... wait, really?
• "Flash fact." Wow; that hit me like a punch in the face!
• Oh! So THAT's what explains Sarge Steel's strange behavior; ingenious!
• Another classic Hawkman hissy.
• Prism pellets. Must. Have. Prism pellets!
• "Mercy is a sin."
• Not every day you see Batman's smoldering corpse, you know.
• The Crystal City of Thalarion, by the Golden River, where dwell the Gargareans.
• Always good to see Tula, the original Aqua-Girl, kicking butt.
• It takes a lot to render me speechless. "Call the Queen and tell her to execute Plan 778" succeeded.
• The house ad for Superwoman. Superwoman is the Sensor Girl of the new millenium.
• The color scheme of Dick and Tim's civilian outfits; I haven't seen that done since the Golden Age; thank you Dustin and Derek!
• Herc and Amadeus settle for pizza.
• W-wait... did she just... castrate Felix Faust?!
• "You shall die for your impertinence, insectile swine!" God bless the Masked Marauder.
• Jason does not approve of the New England.
• "Obey Darkseid" is a terrible movie title.
• What the HECK is Jay Garrick doing in that story? With THEM? This just keeps getting more and more interesting!!!
• "Will wonders never cease?"
• Well, of course I guessed Luthor's password. Didn't you?
• Lyle's upgrade.
• Wait... a steampunk upgrade? That's hilarious!
• Sigh. I guess I will always owe Morrison for bringing back real Aquaman, riding a sea-horse, won't I?
• The Prisoner of Wayne Tower.
• Sivana's characteristic "meh" of unimpressibility. Unimpressibility is Sivana's superpower.
• Gold, silver, and bronze costumers; very nice, Gail!
• Billy shares a secret.
• Don't worry, Brainiac will just grow you a new body if something goes wrong!
• I can honestly say that, in all my years reading comics, I've never seen a rhino used quite that way before.
• The Return of the Squid Gang!!!
• I love how Kid Eternity works now.
• OMG, was that ... supersinging? I'm speechless. Again.
• Batcave, indeed. Interesting. Incomprehensible, but interesting.
• "I thought there would be more people not wearing pants."

...

....

What?

Seriously, what?

I have no idea what just happened there.

But I liked it.

So, since the A-list of the Justice Leaguers are hyper-competent --

well, most of them, anyway--

it probably leaves them with lots of time on their hands, just sitting around the Secret Sanctuary, waiting for the Trouble Alert or Wonder Woman's next scheduled lesson on Parliamentary procedure.

What do you think they do to pass the time away? Answer:

• "Why doesn't Green Lantern use his emergency signal? Then we'd all go to help him."
• "Because he's a man, Kal!"
• "Because he's an idiot."
• "Because he's vain."
• "That's what I said..."
• "Don't start, princess."
• "Oh, I think there's nothing wrong with him that wouldn't be cured by a bit of sweet, sweet octopus love."
• "I concur wholeheartedly, Arthur."
• "What in Rao's name are you two freaks jabbering about? Shut up and let me what he..."

• "Yikes. Perhaps you two have a point. It's really not decent of me to watch Hal's sordid tete a tete this way. But I'd better continue. In case... in case he needs help."
• "That the excuse you use for spying on Lois, too, isn't it?"
• "Don't start, human."
• "What's happening?"
• "I ... I think he's getting his ass kicked by a wall-walker and a mood ring."
• "I told you we shouldn't have let him become a toy salesman!"
• "I think anything that keeps him conscious benefits us all."
• "That's funny, I was about to say the opposite..."

• "Oh, c'mon, guys; it's not that bad. I think he's just fooling around. It's not like he's really into the bondage thing."
• "Was that a crack?"
• "You would know."
• "I'll deal with you later, human."
• "Be fair, guys. It's not like it's really getting him all hot and bothered..."

• "Oh, Rao, it burns my super-eyes...!"

Many have informed me that a "Doctor Polaris" made an appearance on Batman: The Brave and the Bold. This was already known to me, as I spend much time each day googling my own name.

I watched eagerly and was mildly disappointed to find my animated doppelganger had very little screen time. My thoughts are thus:

Pros: My entry into the stage was glorious. nothing could be more impressive than magnetically blowing a door off of its hinges. I routinely enter and exit buildings in this fashion.

Additionally, the dialogue was more than suitable. "Fools," I said. "Your bullets are useless against my awesome power to repel." That sounds exactly like something I would say.

Cons: Gold is not magnetic! If those has been blocks of steel that scene would have been plausible and likely. But gold is not magnetic!

Also, I would never wear a helmet that hides my hair. It deserves to be free so that it may be tousled by the wind.

Gold is not magnetic!