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And yet... By all accounts somewhere around seventy-five percent of Earth's Green Lanterns will survive this so-called "war." Consider this "striking" cover for the war's aftermath:
Now I am no particular fan of Rayner. He and I have tussled on more than one occasion and that art school dropout never once gave me the respect that my multiple degrees in higher scientific disciplines deserve.
But if you lined up the Green Lanterns and allowed me to choose one to kill... Well, Kyle wouldn't be my first choice. Probably not my second either. He's a stupid kid, but at least he seems to know he's stupid. Unlike Jordan.
I'm sure there will be many who weep and gnash their teeth about Kyle Rayner's impending demise. But I am less concerned with the ones they kill than I am with the ones they leave alive.
Back before they brought back Hal Jordan I didn't want him back. I had no real connection to the character. In some sense I still don't. In fact, I was pretty pissed off in the beginning. Now, I'll admit that a lot of that was the snide smugness of a great many Hal Jordan fans.
Time passed and I mostly got over it. The Green Lanterns I liked didn't go away even with Hal headlining the Green Lantern solo book. And admittedly Geoff Johns was doing some interesting -- if weird -- stuff with the character and the book.
Then they talked about bringing Barry Allen back and I wondered again if it was really necessary. After all, Wally West had a great run as the Flash. I haven't counted, but it wouldn't surprise me to find out he's gotten more page time the the "Patron Saint of the DC Universe" ever did.
But they brought Barry back and I learned what a lot of people had said was true: Barry is incredibly boring. But setting that aside I've also grown comfortable with having him as the Flash again.
I may have gotten used to it, but I sometimes wonder if was really necessary. And I've come to realize that it was absolutely necessary.
How many of you have seen this footage for the Green Lantern movie? There's some pretty impressive stuff in there and I'm quite hopeful that it will make an entertaining film. But it could never have happened if they hadn't brought back Hal Jordan.
Could a film have been created featuring Kyle Rayner? How about Wally West? As much as I love those two characters they are defined by the heroes that came before them. Whether you like it or not, Hal Jordan and Barry Allen are iconic as Green Lantern and the Flash. They even have the dubious honor of having replaced their Golden Age counterparts as the quintessential versions of those characters.
It isn't just limited to the movies either. The characters and concepts in comics and other media need to be at their most pure. It's hard to explain who the Flash is by telling people that he's the nephew of the first Flash. But it's easy to say that a scientist was granted amazing super-speed by a bolt of lightning. Or that a pilot was chosen by a dying alien to wield the most powerful weapon in the universe.
In the same way that Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman can never really be replaced it was folly to think that the same thing could be done with Green Lantern and the Flash. Or Aquaman, for that matter. These are characters too powerful -- for good or ill -- to be overwritten. And when I go see the Green Lantern movie in June, I'll know that it was necessary -- and inevitable -- that Hal Jordan have the starring role.
If you had cause to read the little "War of the Green Lanterns" preview in the back of this week's DC comics you might have seen the little snippet. The "Guardians" wax on and on about all the serious mental deficiencies that the various Lanterns have. They finally conclude that Hal Jordan is "emotionally unstable."
I believe it is safe to say that that is the understatement of the decade.
Hal Jordan has always been unstable. And as a deranged split personality, I know unstable. That fool Jordan can't seem to figure out what he wants out of life. He's always going this way and that, never settling on any one thing. When a man doesn't know what he wants out of life he is adrift. And potentially a danger to himself and others.
This, I believe, is what we have seen in Hal Jordan all these years. The fool can't seem to decide who he loves (if he loves at all) or where his heart is. And if he doesn't figure it out soon, he may have a complete mental and emotional breakdown.
I'm looking forward to that.
The worst thing about it is this: with all these Green Lantern comics they can't seem to find room for even a single appearance by Doctor Polaris. I don't care which one of those dullards I get to beat up on. My preference is certainly Hal Jordan. But I'm just as willing to crack Kyle Rayner's skulls. I've done it before.
But instead we continue to be fed new villains. Random cosmic figures and non-Green Lantern villains shoehorned into fighting those pathetic ring-slingers. Though my position is paramount, I wonder if the other Green Lantern villains are as annoyed as I. Where is that fool Sonar? What about Evil Star? Does anyone even remember Evil Star?
Setting this all aside, the course is clear: one of those three writers needs to get me a cover spot. Put me on the cover and his life may yet be spared. I'm willing to be patient... But for how long?
It's been a long week. And it's still not quite over. I'm so tired I can barely move... But I can still think! This is Thursday Night Thinking!
Idiot.
Thursday Night Thinking returns! Tonight: everybody's favorite lovable idiot Hal Jordan!
I don't care what the weather man says,
When the weatherman says it's raining,
You'll never hear me complaining,
I'm certain the sun will shine,
I don't care how the weather vane points,
When the weather vane points to gloomy,
It's gotta be sunny to me, when your eyes look into mine;
oh
Jeepers Creepers!
Where'd ya get those peepers?
Jeepers Creepers!
Where'd ya get those eyes?
Gosh all git up! How'd they get so lit up?
Gosh all git up! How'd they get that size?
Golly gee! When you turn those heaters on,
Woe is me! Got to get my cheaters on,
Jeepers Creepers!
Where'd ya get those peepers?
Oh! Those weepers!
How they hypnotize!
Where'd ya get those eyes?
There, Jordan decries him as "second-best" as Green Arrow calls him "b-list." The question is this: should I direct my considerable rage towards Jordan for daring to denigrate the man who -- deserved or not -- bears my name? Or should I direct my rage towards the pitiful, broken fool who has shamed the good name of Doctor Polaris with his ineptitude?
It is a question I will spend time musing on over the course of the weekend...
As you all know, your normal host has been consigned to the cellar until such time as I see fit. Until that time I shall undertake all actions necessary to keep this blog running smoothly. This means that I shall prepare the thoughts for this regular feature.
Behold: a thought chosen by Doctor Polaris:
You'll have to forgive me. I'm not feeling particularly great tonight. I'm so tired I can barely think. But that won't stop Thursday Night Thinking!
Continuing our long tradition of using throughts from classsic Silver Age covers here's Hal Jordan from Green Lantern #7:
Well, tomorrow's the big day. Blackest Night begins. We have some idea of what to expect, but beyond that the whole story is sort of a mystery. Here are my predictions for issue one:
- We'll get some concrete hints to the "Big Bad."
- Coast City will be trashed again.
- Black Hand will do something creepy.
- The Guardians will reveal another new law.
- Someone will reference Hal having been Parallax.
- An unexpected Green Lantern villain will make an appearance.
- Hal Jordan will do something tremendously stupid.
Word on the street is that Ryan Reynolds will be playing Hal Jordan in the supposedly upcoming Green Lantern film (I say supposedly because I never believe a rumored movie will actually be made until I see pictures).
Anyway, what do you noted GL enthusiasts out there (and I know there are many who read this blog!) think about Ryan Reynolds as a choice? I hadn't heard him rumored before, but now it sort of makes sense. He's very good at the whole "slightly dimwitted, cocky, self-assured sonuvabitch" thing.
The first in an on-going series.
Today, Hal demonstrates his own personal philsophy:
Because it's all about Hal, you know.
Other famous solipsists include A.E. Housman, God, Archie Andrews, and Stan Lee.
Consider these words spoken to Black Hand by my enemy Hal Jordan in a flashback: "You're just another masked nutbag like Sonar and Doctor Polaris."
Now, a "masked nutbag" I may be (though only a fool like Jordan would go to the dregs of the English language for insults). But I am nothing "like" Sonar. That preening popinjay isn't even worthy of mention in the same sentence as myself. Not to mention the fact that the timbre of my voice is far more pleasant than Sonar's constant screeching hysterics.
Still, I am even more disturbed that I was compared to Black Hand. I do not need to inform you, dear readers, how I differ from that weirdo. Polaris fears nothing, but I am a little freaked out by Black Hand just the same.
Seriously. There's something wrong with that guy.
I just love the Hal Jordan heroclix figure. Thanks to a wise use of the "special power" mechanic, he slices, he dices, he makes Julienne fries. Best thing? He can take a wallop almost as well as Goofy.
So, in honor of Hal Jordan generally and of his heroclix figure in particular, I've designed some new objects to use when he's in the game.
Objects, by the way, are tokens used in the game to represent, well, objects. There are two basic kinds of objects: light (marked by a yellow border) and heavy (marked by a red border). Three of each are placed on the map at the beginning of each game. Light and heavy, by the way, are relative terms; a gumball machine is a "light" object, for example. That's why only figures with the Superstrength power can pick up regular objects on a heroclix map. A light object adds one to the damage dealt by a character attacking an adjacent foe, and a heavy object adds two. You can also throw them at opponents, which is fun but usually a waste of a good object. Once used in an attack (successfully or not), the object is "destroyed" and removed from the board.
There are also "special objects" (marked by a blue border), each of which has its own special rules. Most of the "official" special objects are tedious techno-crap that must appeal to Marvel Heroclix players: Structural Integrity Field Generators, Kinetic Absorbers and Accelerators, Dynamostats. I know what a gumball machine is; what the hell is a dynamostat?
Whatever. I'm from DC; where are the objects we need? Giant typewriters. Manhole covers. Stuffed bear heads. You know.... the stuff we actually see in our stories. Not only do we deserve more DCish objects, certain DC characters cry out for peculiar objects of their own. And no character says "peculiar object" more than Hal Jordan & His Amazing Head.
We've already created tokens for two of the greatest object-foes of Hal's head, the Yellow Ceiling Tile and the Heavy Yellow Lamp. But Hal deserves more.
Stalactites (Heavy Object) Face it, a good 17 percent of all the action in DC comics takes place in a cave somewhere. For pity's sake, DC has had spelunkers as cover headliners. 
An Oscar (Light object)
Who needs Billy Crystal? Let Hal host the Academy Awards every year and just wait to see who klonks him on the head with Oscar, how, and why. You know you'd watch.Mjolnir (Heavy object)
Only Superstrength is required to wield it; after all, this is DC, where everyone is worthy.Underwater-rifle Butt (Light object)
Must be placed initially on water terrain.The Toy Airplane (Special object)
Hal's head, like any great character, has both range and variety. One of the particular glories of Hal Jordan's head is that it can survive a blow by Thor's hammer, but can still be felled by the likes of a deliciously embarrassing toy airplane. Like Hal's head, the Toy Airplane comes with its own special rules!
- May be wielded by any thematically appropriate villain (such as Toyman, Trickster, or the Joker);
- may be thrown up to the villain's full range;
- ignores all powers and abilities of Hal Jordan;
- clear line of fire to Hal Jordan is not required,
- does no damage but Incapacitates Hal.
The Space Owl (Special object)
Truly, Hal getting hit in the head by the Space Owl is one of comic book television's 113 Greatest Moments (which also includes the first appearance of Huntress's breasts in live action, the Joker versus Scooby Doo, and Alan Ritchson in wet angry bondage). Some evenings I just curl up on the sofa with my lapdog and my laptop and put the "Magno-beam-guided Space Owl Hits Hal on Head" sequence on infinite loop and nod off to the soothing sound of a space owl hitting Hal's head again and again and again like waves on the shore... . Usually, that's after a finite loop of Alan Ritchson in wet angry bondage, but that's another story. Ahem, anyway, the Space Owl comes with same rules as the Toy Airplane."The Sign" (Heavy Object/Special object)
This object can be wielded just like a regular heavy object. But it's more fun to leave it in place because of its special rules: Hal may not destroy "The Sign" with a standard attack, but as long as Hal can make an action and is not within range to attack any opposing figure, Hal must fly headfirst to "The Sign", destroying it, if it is in within range of his speed value. Just have Dr. Polaris or Sinestro park their car within shooting distance of the sign and wait for Hal to show up!Porcupine Bladders from Space (Light Object)
Um, yeah, those pretty much throw me for a complete loss, too, Hal. But we've got to have them, mostly because I just like saying "porcupine bladders from space".
Ladies and gentlemen, without comment, I give you:
Hal Jordan defeated by a bowl of ice cream.
Because, really, what can one say?
Whose brilliant idea was it to put my old enemy Hal Jordan in charge of a Justice League branch? Superman I can understand. John Stewart and Captain Atom make sense. Even that interminable twit Booster Gold might work.
But Hal Jordan? One doesn't need to color yellow to stop Jordan. All you need is soap and a tile floor. Or an exposed buttress. Or even a blindingly obvious billboard.
Explain to me this: how exactly is he supposed to contend with Prometheus, the second most dangerous man in purple to square off against the Justice League? Though he does not frighten me, I know many within and without the villain community who tremble in fear at the mention of the man's name.
The only trembling villains experience when they hear the name of Hal Jordan are trembles as an antecedent to laughter.
I've been thinking about Green Lanterns a lot lately. I suppose that's to be expected considering Blackest Night is on the horizon. Mostly I've been going over Green Lantern villains in my head. Specifically Hal's villains. And I've found that -- with one notable exception -- they're all a bunch of shifty, creepy weirdos.
Sinestro's got that mustache, first of all. You know you can't trust a man with a 'stache like that. Hector Hammond has... The exact same mustache. Plus he's always trying to have sex with people using his brain. That's just disturbing.
The Shark, of course, wants to eat your brain.
Still, even among a menagerie of misfits, creepos, and pervs I think we can agree that Black Hand is the skeeviest of the skeevy:
Superman may be gone and Batman may be dead, but Thursday Night Thinking is eternal!
