Just Stay at Home

I am weary. Weary, I say! Weary of the constant and unending "news" about one Stan Lee.

Many, it would seem, believe him to have had a a great influence upon the world of comics. I disagree. By all accounts the man merely mooched upon the skills of his collaborators. Men such as Steve Ditko and Jack Kirby.

I know that many of you will call me a fool or a blasphemer. I don't particularly care what you Marvel zombies may thing of me. My point is proved by the power of science. Logic vindicates me.

Consider: most -- if not all -- of Stan Lee's creations for Marvel comics were created with the aid of collaborators. They have been largely successful. But what about the creations that he created without the help of collaborators? How successful have they been? Where is the massive popularity of Striperella? How many people are lining up to see the Governator?

Even if you claim that Stan Lee was responsible for the success of his Marvel creations then you must admit that the man has list whatever mythical "touch" he may have had. He is now little more than a joke. And so I laugh derisively at him.

Such is the way of super-villainy. And besides, he ripped me off when he created Magneto...

As you no doubt know, from time to time I receive emails. Often these are quite mundane and pedestrian. Some of my fellow super-villains also have a predilection for mass emails of an insipid sort. Enough with the adorable kittens, Kanjor!

I do however receive intriguing emails from time to time. It was not long ago that I received the following missive from one apparently seeking employment in these trying times:

Hello,

Further to my telecon with Ms. Manju am attaching my resume.

I have been working with a shpping company from home as book-keeper for the past 4 years and have thorough knowledge of quickbooks.

If given this opportunity shall prove myself.

thanks and regards


Lakshmi Ramesh

I find this particularly curious, as I am not acquainted witha Ms. Manju. Now, it's possible that I do know her. She does indeed sound like a super-villain of some sort. But I meet so many villains that sometimes it's hard to keep track. Perhaps she was the arch-enemy of someone ridiculous like Aztek or Maxima.

Regardless, I have this to say to Ms. "Lakshmi Ramesh:" I'm not looking to hire right now. As a semi-retired super-villain I rarely find the need for flunkies, goons, or tagalongs. That said, perhaps I could point you in the direction of a villain who does need some hired help.

Having worked with a shipping company you might consider employment with our old friend Oswald Cobblepot. The Penguin generally does a brisk business in contraband. That said, he is not the easiest employer to work for, and you mus be prepared for the constant scent of fish.

Of course, as a former "book-keeper" you might be able to find work with one of the more financially oriented villains. If you're any good at hiding money and funneling it into sinister, secret projects you might look into applying with LexCorp.

Finally, I don't know what "quickbooks" is, but I can only assume it has to do with those interminable speedsters! Now, Professor Zoom usually works alone, but if you can find yourself a suitable villainous theme you might be able to hook up with the Central City Rogues.

I hope I have been of help to you in your search for employment, Lakshmi. Now, never contact me again. You may want to work for a super-villain, but you have a long way to go before you make it in the big leagues. I mean, did you really think I was going to open that pdf?

I am sick to death of the Calculator. It's true that Noah and I go back a long way. We were in the Society together and I used to look down on him when he still wore those ridiculous outfit.

Noah is undoubtedly clever. He's nowhere near the "genius" he's billed at but he's a smart guy. He knows his way around computers and whatnot. But no one who relies on computers can ever really be that much of a threat. After all, a simple electromagnetic pulse and his precious hard drives are only so much metal and plastic.

This being true, why is he showing up in so many comics? In the past few months Noah has been a featured villain in Red Robin, Teen Titans, Batgirl, and Birds of Prey. I think we can all agree that that is more than a little excessive.

There are a great many more interesting villains -- with better senses of fashion -- that wait on the sidelines for a chance to shine even against lesser super-teams. I also worry that Noah is beginning to believe his own hype. He's starting to think that he really is this genius master manipulator.

It won't work. You can't fool me Noah. To me you'll always be the geek with the LCD on his forehead that got beat up by Ralph Dibny.

Well, it seems that the "Guardians" of the "Universe" have finally figured out what I've known for years: Hal Jordan is seriously unstable.

If you had cause to read the little "War of the Green Lanterns" preview in the back of this week's DC comics you might have seen the little snippet. The "Guardians" wax on and on about all the serious mental deficiencies that the various Lanterns have. They finally conclude that Hal Jordan is "emotionally unstable."

I believe it is safe to say that that is the understatement of the decade.

Hal Jordan has always been unstable. And as a deranged split personality, I know unstable. That fool Jordan can't seem to figure out what he wants out of life. He's always going this way and that, never settling on any one thing. When a man doesn't know what he wants out of life he is adrift. And potentially a danger to himself and others.

This, I believe, is what we have seen in Hal Jordan all these years. The fool can't seem to decide who he loves (if he loves at all) or where his heart is. And if he doesn't figure it out soon, he may have a complete mental and emotional breakdown.

I'm looking forward to that.

I do so enjoy the theater, and I've found the Spider-Man Musical to be utterly delightful.

Now, do not take that the wrong way. I have neither attended nor do I intend to attend a performance of the Spider-Man Musical. No, the theater of which I speak is the theater of the plummeting disaster that is multi-million dollar excuse for art.

It should come as no surprise that I often take delight in the suffering of others. After all, before my semi-forced retirement I was an active super-villain. Super-villainy is not something you simply give up. It stays with you, like being a doctor. Which I also am.

But I digress. I have eagerly watched as the house of cards that is "Turn Off the Dark" collapsed in the stiff breeze that is reality. There is no greater pleasure for one such as myself than watching the work of conceited directors and self-important rock stars fail -- and fail spectacularly.

There is also the additional joy that is the Marvel connection. I have always despised Marvel and its pathetic attempts at villainy. There is little to be impressed with there; Marvel's villains don't seem particularly bright. I have often wondered why those excuses for "super-villains" do not simply move. After all, nearly every single one of Marvel's "heroes" are in New York).

Again I find myself drifting off-topic. My point is this: I do not like Spider-Man and am glad to see him fail. And not in a "hero" versus "villain" kind of way. Spider-Man is beneath my notice. He would not make a worthy adversary, even compared to Hal Jordan. I am simply pleased by the sheer entertainment value of seeing people I hate suffer thanks to their own hubris. Truly, are there any finer things in life?

Ahh, late December. My favorite time of year. Sunny skies and warmth. At least when you live in California. Usually.

I'm afraid that this bout of unexpected rain is partly my fault. You see, I had a party last week and invited some of my villain friends. One thing leads to another and someone is drunk with a weather machine. This is the sort of thing that happens when mad scientists get together.

I'll often hold soirees for the other villains. My place is the nicest and most of the others wouldn't be able to put on a good party even if you threatened them with imminent destruction.

There are some exceptions, of course. Black Manta is an excellent cook, but if you don't like sashimi you won't find much to your liking at one of his get togethers. Dr. Domino usually orders out for his food, but his cocktails are to die for. You haven't lived until you've tasted one of his patented "Cloudburst Formulas."

Of course, there is the other side to the equation. Some of my fellow villains aren't quite so chummy. Lex Luthor can put on an incredible show, he just never invites anyone. He thinks he's better than the rest of us, you see.

Vandal Savage's meals are as undercooked as Black Manta's. And I'm sure they were considerably more intelligent than even the dolphin Manta serves. Don't eat with Vandal Savage.

Of course, none of you will ever be invited to a villain party to begin with. You must be of a very exclusive club to receive such an invite. And even if you did come we'd never hear about it. Because you'd never be heard from again.

I am pleased to see that there are still those that understand the importance of "a perpetual air of menace."

As Mr. Bondurant notes, the villains of today seem to be lacking the ability to express such menace. I myself am well schooled in the art of menace and willing to offer my services to the villain community -- free of charge -- in order that we might have more menacing villains. Consider the following suggestions:

1. Announce your intentions. Too often today villains attempt to cloak themselves in secrecy. They think that if they rob a bank at night when no one is around then they will not be caught. Perhaps. More likely, they will have to deal with Batman. But if you wish to build your aura of menace, it is better to announce your plans beforehand.

Now, I'm not saying that one should specify your crime. Merely make it clear that on such and such a day you will engage in an act of villainy. Without further information the populace will be on edge, dreading the moment (but not knowing the location) you will strike. Voila! Instant menace!

2. Cultivate a reputation. There is a reason that Lex Luthor instills such menace. He has a reputation. Not simply for dueling Superman (more on that later), but for engaging in spectacular acts of villainy.

Here is what I mean: to cultivate an air of menace one must got beyond petty criminality. Simply robbing banks is not sufficient to create a menacing reputation. Wanton acts of destruction are not much better. Your plans and schemes should be over the top! Cultivate a theme. In doing so, the masses will remember your name... And be menaced!

3. Acquire an Archenemy. Heroes are remembered because they often have a clear cut nemesis. Try to do the same! Pick a well known hero and make it known that only he or she can stop you. If the regular authorities are seen as powerless, your menace level will increase exponentially.

I hope these ideas are helpful for the aspiring super-villains out there. Remember: it is not enough to engage in acts of villainy. For menace, one must be villainy!

There is many a day when I despair at the state of villainy in our world. Villains are all too often so caught up in glamor of what they do that they forget the things that are important. After all, how often do we any more receive witty repertoire?

I blame this downward trend on the introduction of that brute Doomsday. There was a villain distinctly lacking in panache. Wearing nothing but a ragged pair of shorts, he was incapable of the sort of dialogue necessary between a villain and a hero.

Things have only gotten worse since then. Writers are constantly introducing new villains whom they try to make "hip" and "edgy" by making them grim and taciturn. I have long worried for the state of villainy and all the villains who dwell therein.

This said, there may be hope! Perhaps -- perhaps -- the tide is turning. There are small signs, here and there. Take, for instance, this page from an upcoming issue of Batman:

Either my eyes deceive me... Or the Reaper just shouted "fools!"

When was the last time you actually heard a villain decry his heroic foes as "fools"? Yes, I routinely use the term on the very blog. But outside of my august presence use of the term is few and far between.

Perhaps this is a sign that appropriately villainous repertoire is coming back into vogue. I certainly hope so... Fools.

I care very little about the "Legion of Super-Heroes." Though I do have a history with one of their villains, I am generally uninterested in their affairs. Despite this, we do have a hidden connection of which you may be unaware. Indeed, you may be surprised to learn that "Cosmic Boy" is my descendant!

This should really come as know surprise. After all, how likely is it for a race of people identical to humans in every visible way to evolve awesome magnetic powers without some sort of outside influence. Indeed, I speculate that the entire population of the planet "Braal" is in fact descended from one shining example of magnetic prowess: Doctor Polaris.

It is impossible to say when this momentous magnetic colonization took place. But undoubtedly it occurs at some point between the present and the year 3011. Imagine: an entire planet of those wielding the same powers as my own!

It disgusts me. Indeed, if Cosmic Boy and his ilk are indeed my descendants then I am sorely disappointed. Such power and they have not once used it for personal gain! There should be an empire stretching across the stars -- a Magnetic Empire dedicated to Doctor Polaris!

Instead Cosmic Boy gallivants about playing "super-hero." I am ashamed. I suppose I will have to take some solace in the fact that at least he wears purple...

Brian Michael Bendis: you are a fool.

You disparage the writings of comic bloggers as "knee-jerk reviews and cut and paste blogging." Never once have I cut or pasted a large block of text. My opinions on the news and comics of my day are mine alone. Such opinions are powerful enough to stand apart; they serve as a shining example for others.

I have no need for "knee-jerk" reviews. If I believe something to be unworthy of my attention I will dismiss it -- it need not be mentioned at all. And if I consider a work to be a masterpiece I will say so. When I do, I shall express myself eloquently and at length. With correct capitalization and punctuation. Unlike some popular Marvel writers I might mention.

I am not alone in this. Recently the great and powerful Scipio has returned to blogging at his bastion The Absorbascon. He is intelligent and articulate, informing and enlightening us on comics, their history, and the very nature of the medium. Without much thought I could name many others who would put your ill-supported claims to shame.

And know this, Bendis: never once have I demanded payment for my services. Years of efficient bank robbery and extortion have left me comfortably well off. No, I write purely for the joy of it. And the chance to prove fools like you wrong.

These days everyone seems to be... Franchising.

Whether it is those dimwitted rainbow lanterns corps or "The Bat-Man" everyone seems to be expanding their heroism (or villainy) into a multifaceted franchise.

I know what you are expecting me to say. You are expecting me to announce my own brilliant expansion. Something along the lines of "The Polaris Corps" or "Doctor Polaris, Inc." To those who are expecting just such an announcement I have this to say: you are a dimwitted fool!

Though the value of the unique may have lost currency among some, that is not the case among those who know what they are truly worth. Despite the imitators I know that there can only be one Doctor Polaris. None can compare with the things that make me unique.

Undoubtedly this applies for Batman was well. A pity he is fool enough to think otherwise. Once, in long ago days I counted him as a man of intelligence and integrity. But I fear that the mighty have fallen. To make such moves into the crass commercialization of one's identity is hearbreaking.

Know this. If you seek to find Doctor Polaris then you must find him here. Accept no substitutions. They do not exist.

Why have you ceased commenting?!

Yes, it is true: I -- Doctor Polaris -- have been gone for a very long time. When you have mastered magnetism you become very busy. And I am not surprised that in my absence many of you have grown bored with my subordinate bloggers.

But still... You should have known that I would return. And you should have prepared yourselves for that eventuality. Now I have indeed returned. If I find that you continue to lurk away without commenting then there may be grave consequences.

I know that many of you value your personal computers. You may have valuable information -- such as images -- stored upon them. With my awesome magnetic powers I could very well wipe all the information clean -- setting you back to the level of a Caveman-Batman.

But if I see you using your personal computers responsibly -- by say, expressing your admiration for Doctor Polaris -- such drastic measures need never be taken.

Still, the choice is left to you, as always. Though I may be a brilliant scientist and dashing supervillain, mind control is not my forte. Except that one time.

I am outraged -- outraged! -- by the proliferation of Green Lantern comics. Green Lantern starring Hal Jordan was bad enough. Then they had to give us Green Lantern Corps starring that insipid pretty boy Kyle Rayner. And now Emerald Warriors starring Guy Gardner? This goes too far.

The worst thing about it is this: with all these Green Lantern comics they can't seem to find room for even a single appearance by Doctor Polaris. I don't care which one of those dullards I get to beat up on. My preference is certainly Hal Jordan. But I'm just as willing to crack Kyle Rayner's skulls. I've done it before.

But instead we continue to be fed new villains. Random cosmic figures and non-Green Lantern villains shoehorned into fighting those pathetic ring-slingers. Though my position is paramount, I wonder if the other Green Lantern villains are as annoyed as I. Where is that fool Sonar? What about Evil Star? Does anyone even remember Evil Star?

Setting this all aside, the course is clear: one of those three writers needs to get me a cover spot. Put me on the cover and his life may yet be spared. I'm willing to be patient... But for how long?

I continue to be mildly annoyed at one Geoff Johns. Consider the recent solicitations for Green Lantern. On the cover we are once again treated to the gruesome, drooling visage of one Hector Hammond.

Is this what you want to see when you pick up your weekly comics? Hector Hammond is neither attractive nor charming. He's not even a particularly effective nemesis. He just sits there whining about how he wishes he were Hal Jordan.

Know this: I have never wished I was Hal Jordan. Indeed, I would not wish the fate of being Hal Jordan on my greatest enemy. Incidentally, my greatest enemy happens to be Hal Jordan.

But I digress. My main point should be clear right now: why is Johns reusing Hammond and not Doctor Polaris? This "Brightest Day" gives ample opportunity to bring back the greatest of Hal Jordan's adversaries.

Instead, Johns gives us poor, deluded, sick in the head Hector. A travesty. Know this Geoff Johns: I have been patient with you. But even my compassion has limits. Do what you know you must do or face the consequences.

It is interesting when one considers that the era of "big comic events" began with a death. The death of a character whose importance to the DC Universe very few people considered -- until it was too late. I am, of course, speaking of myself: Doctor Polaris.

Consider: it was Infinite Crisis that began this current series of big events. Who was among the first to die? The answer is again Doctor Polaris. I do not believe this to be an accident. Though at the time I was filled with rage at the actions of one Geoff Johns I now see that they were part of a greater plan.

All know that Geoff Johns prepares his story arcs years in advance. Could it be that the death of Doctor Polaris was meant to be the beginning of a great story? Remember that the Death of Superman story began with Superman's death. Then, he was replaced by lesser figures. In much the same way that I was replaced by a fool with a business degree.

In the end defeated his replacement and returned in glory. I have already defeated my replacement. Surely the endgame of Geoff Johns master plan will soon come to fruition. Doctor Polaris will return.

Ah, the first Monday after New Year's. That makes today the day that most people have to go back to work. Luckily I'm a graduate student and as such still have two weeks before classes start. Feel free to hate me.

Anyway: comics! I haven't done any of those crazy lists that people usually have done by this time of year. That sort of thing usually hits on the 31st or the 1st. As you know, I was M. I. A. at the time. But hey, it's only the 4th. So here are some of the things I'm looking forward to in the coming year:

1. The Post-Blackest Night Status Quo

I'm really intrigued by what could be coming up after Blackest Night. As I said in my previous post, it's going to change a long of the stuff in the DCU. I'm not sure what will happen, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to enjoy whatever it is.

2. The Return of Superman

Superman will finally be returning to his own books later this year. I for one am glad to see it happening. I've enjoyed some of what's gone on in the New Krypton story, but I'll be very glad to see Superman back in his rightful place again.

3. The Return of Batman

Yeah, I said Batman and not Bruce Wayne. Dick Grayson may be wearing the cowl but he is not Batman. He never can be, at least not for me. I don't understand why anyone would want to see him keep the position. It just doesn't work for me. Dick Grayson just doesn't have the gravitas that Batman needs.

4. The Flash

I'm very excited about Geoff Johns and Francis Manapul's new Flash series. With the delays on Flash: Rebirth and the cancellation of Wally's title I haven't felt like I've been getting my Flash fix. That will soon change.

5. Doctor Polaris!

Laugh if you will, but I really do think that Geoff Johns is going to get around to bringing back and revamping the original Doctor Polaris. It just can't be a coincidence Johns killed off his replacement in Blackest Night.

What are you all looking forward to in the coming year?

Only a little while in and I am already weary of this Black Lantern nonsense. Divesting my stylish outfit of its color is only a part of the problem.

Really, the whole thing is quite droll. I mean, ripping hearts out with one's hand? Why not simply use your magnetic powers on the iron rich blood pumping through the heart and destroy it from the inside.

Now I am a fan of the dramatic as much as the next super-villain. All of you know this well. But these Black Lanterns (I refuse to count myself among their number any longer) take it to the extreme. It seems like a poorly directed and even more poorly acted community theatre performance of Shakespeare.

All the actors are butchering their lines and we know that that fellow on stage isn't really Hamlet. We can't even manage to pretend as he's playing the part so badly. Are the Black Lanterns fooling anyone? Is anyone buying the act?

Know this: Polaris isn't buying it. If you cannot play the role then retire gracefully. Don't keep butchering the classics.

Greetings, fools. It is I, Black Lantern Doctor Polaris.

Yes, yes. I know I said I'd never wear one of these pieces of gaudy jewelery. But sometimes and opportunity arises and a man must make the most of it. Mostly I made the most of the opportunity to slaughter my inept replacement. Which I did. Joyfully.

Set aside the idea that Black Lanterns are "emotionless." I certainly was riding high when I ripped out the M. B. A.'s heart. What color is "joy" on the emotional spectrum? Because I'm pretty sure I was glowing.

The stage, of course, is not set for my glorious return to the world of the living. After all, Geoff Johns does not make mentions lightly. He would not have noted the fact that replacement Green Lantern villain was slaughtered if he wasn't planning a glorious return.

After all, I am the last Green Lantern adversary who has not yet been revamped. Johns has done everyone from the Shark to Hector Hammond to Evil-Star. There's only one villain left. And you know they always save the best for last.

I think it's safe to say that Blackest Night #4 was my favorite comic of the entire year. If you've read it, I probably don't have to tell you about the two incredibly awesome pages that were right next to each other. It's as if Geoff Johns has been reading this blog and decided to write those pages just for me.

Have you been reading this blog, Geoff? Did you write those pages just for me?

Well, he probably hasn't and didn't. But they sure as hell made me happy just the same. I started laughing with a combination of giddiness and maniacalness when I read those two pages. They were awesome.

And I'm sure I won't be the only one who has something to say about them in the days to come...

Know this: I, Doctor Polaris am mightily pleased by the events that transpired between the pages of this week's Justice Society of America.

Also, the Atomic Skull is my new best friend.

My surly, bearded replacement "Mr. Polaris" made great pains during the issue to annoy and generally aggravate all around him. The other villains did not respond to it well; perhaps they remember the golden age when the true Doctor Polaris soared above them, unconcerned with the pitiful mercenary work of the villain underclass.

Still, only one of their number had the fortitude of spirit to say what needed to be said. You should know that I was as surprised as any to find that that one was the Atomic Skull. Mr. Skull pulled no punches, telling it exactly as it is. Of the M. B. A. he said:

"You're one to talk, you pathetic excuse for a replacement villain!"

With that, the Atomic Skull has earned a place of glory among the great thinkers and philosophers of our time. To him, kudos.