Just Stay at Home

As mentioned, I've been designing slide shows to run on the Big Screen all day long at Big Monkey ( please come visit us in DC sometime!). One of them has been a series of some 80+ covers of romance comics, interspersed with some "fast facts" about the genre.

One of those facts is that the Romance genre was basically invented by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby. Yes, those guys. And by that I mean not romance per se, or even the genre, but the genre in a comic book form.

Yeesh. The idea of Joe Simon and Jack Kirby inventing romance is enough to give even me the heebie-jeebies. No, strike that; especially me...

Anyway, this slideshow was inspired by the recent release of a reprint of DC's 100-page Superspectactular Love Stories from 1971. Which no one bought at my store. Except me. I cried myself to sleep that night, hugging the tear-stained volume to my chest, sobbing out-loud: "Why am I so unpopular at school? Why can't I find a boy who likes the titles I like? Why is the dog looking at me so strangely?" Because, you know, I get easily caught up in the spirit of things.

Now, there's a lot of fun to be had in this volume. In fact, you should run, not walk, out to get a copy. Preferably at Big Monkey. It'll be easy to find the book; I'll be standing beside it with a teary visage.

But my favorite part is the centerfold piece:


Who's Ted Long, you ask? I've tried desperately to find some sort of internet trail left by Ted Long. Most of the trails lead back to this comic itself, making it, I suppose, his greatest legacy. Think about that for a while. It's okay, Ted; I appreciate it.

I know at least that he was still making people look fabulous as late as 1997, because he was the key hair stylist on Waiting to Exhale, Panther, Dead Presidents, and Rosewood. And Ted was head stylist for the Today Show in 1971, so, if you'll pardon my saying so, he's had a Long career.


Okay, I'm from the world of 1971; let me annotate this introduction for you. "Super proud"; it's like being "super bad", not like having, say, "superventroloquism". It's not like some guy named Bruce Orgulloso jumps out of a phone booth saying,

"I'll handle this, for I am EGO-MAN! I am super proud, so your insults cannot harm me; my self-esteem is like a shield of steel! Narcissus, the Boy Wonderful, and I will take care of you, Sollipso!"

As cool as that would be. Tommy Roddy, consider it.

As for being a "hip hairdresser" who's "quite a doll"; well, even in 1971-speak, that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay.



How powerful a make-over master is Ted? "He's the gentleman who helps to prettify Barbara Walters..." Whoa. I'm used to comic books introducing me to mind-boggling concepts that challenge the imagination, but, really, "prettify Barbara Walters" is a concept not even Grant Morrison could come up.


Note that Ted "helps" prettify Barbara. In 1971-speak, this means at least two things. One, what he does "helps" but no one's pretending it actually succeeds. Two, there are other people who sisypheanatically try to help roll this rock up the hill. Many other people. The Vaseline Technician. The Baffler. The Cheesecloth Grip. The Unsteadycam Operator. Why, they're all still with her today, on The View:

Well, now that we've established Ted's herculean street cred in having worked on Barbara "Augean" Walters, let's head to his bona fides and teleology:

Okay, Ted, I'm with you so far; I'm already convinced you, Ted Long, know how to take full advantage of all your feminine qualities and become the real you men will love. Even in 1971. No, strike that. Especially in 1971...