Just Stay at Home

When last we left J'onn J'onzz, he was faced with a quandary over which of his 47 powers to use to stop the Human Flame from heisting an armored car (rather than just, say, shooting him in the leg with his policeman's pistol). The main choices were

(a). using his superstrength to throw a rock at Mike, breaking his leg.
(b). using his invisibility and intangibility to sneak up on Mike and tie his shoelaces together, causing him to trip and break his leg.
(c). using mind-over-matter to draw gold from the local seawater and bribe Joey to shoot Mike in the leg.
(d). summoning all the powers from the void of space to conjure a giant ice cream cone atom by atom with which to dowse the flames.
(e). something pointless that doesn't debilitate Mike but gives him the opportunity to attack the Martian Manhunter.

If you didn't guess (e), then I'm guessing you've never read a Martian Manhunter story before!

He uses his Martian breath to blow away the armored truck. Of course.

Do you know what an armored truck weighs? Twelve thousand pounds... empty. What force of blowing does it take to whisk away an armored vehicle? I'm thinking at least 200 mph, which is a Category 7 or 8 hurricane (on a scale that only goes to 5, by the way). That's how much the Martian Manhunter blows (and, presumably, sucks as well). Pity J'onn didn't think to, oh, knock over gun-wielding Joey or poof the Human Flame into a nearby telephone pole at 200 mph, breaking his leg (and probably every other bone in his body). But Martian hindsight-vision is always perfect, I suppose... .

I think even an armored truck would crack like an egg if blown into a hillside at 200 mph. But don't worry. Martian breath is kind of like telekinesis; J'onn just sort of "latches on" to stuff with it, and then guides it around, willy-nilly. Which is consistent with the previous story where J'onn uses Martian breath to lift burning leaves from a pile several miles away and deposit them in a tidy circle around his foe (named B'rett-- yes, really) without extinguishing them. So J'onn uses his magical telekinesis breath to gently rest the armored truck down the road aways.

Joey, not being a lunatic like Mike, immediately realizes what this means.

Mike, having gone insane from the heat of being inside a full-body suit that shoots flames while standing on a Florida highway, laughs madly while running straight at the alien with 47 powers, whom he just witnessed picking up an armored truck with his breath.

Hey, Mike; next time, consider testing your theory BEFORE you take on the guy who could blow you into the next county. Oh, by the way... where do you think the "hidden button" is and what the heck is Mike pressing it with?

Of course, Mike's theory really is correct. Which leaves JJ with a thorny dilemma.

Actually, we have to give JJ some credit here. He, at least, tried to keep his weakness secret.

Superman, on the other hand, used to talk about his weakness out loud all the time.

"Oh, I hope that green traffic light doesn't happen to be filled with kryptonite! Or that supposedly lime-flavored gelatin dessert!"

That's why no one was surprised last week, when, in Brave & the Bold, Superman says, "If you were really smart, you have turned into kryptonite by now!"

Superman just can't shut up about how special he is, even his weaknesses. You know how you can append "in bed" to any saying in a fortune cookie? Well, anything Superman says can be appended with, "because I'm from Krypton, you know!"

Anyway, faced with the horror that is crime-suited Mike, the Martian Manhunter is all "WHAT'LL I DO?!?!?!" Poor J'onn; he's only got 47 powers. How on earth can he possibly defeat a guy dressed as a giant Zippo? I mean, it's not like he could just blow him away at 200 mph. Or shoot him in the leg. Because he's the Martian Manhunter, and must do everything as indirectly as possible, with the most byzantine application of his powers imaginable.

"I'm saved!"

Luckily, there’s a water tower nearby (atop the World's Ugliest Bank). After all, this is Apex City, and the only thing more common in Apex City than water towers and raging fires are meteors. Besides, it’s a general rule in comic books that the likelihood of a fire is directly proportionate to ones proximity to a wooden water tower easily toppleable by the hero’s power or ability of choice (batarang, heat vision, magic lasso, tower-toppling arrow).

Okay, it goes without saying that JJ uses the water tower to put out the Human Flame (rather than having it actually land ON him, breaking his leg). But, the reason question is, how? Does he…

(a) Use his Martian vision to poke an expertly aimed hole in the water tank?

(b) Use his omnipotent Martian breath to blow or suck the thing down?

(c) Turn invisible to deceive his foe, then intangibly move underground to get away from the fire, then leap up and push the tower over with Martian strength?

(d) Stamp the ground at superspeed causing tremors that knock Mike over, breaking the crime suit and possibly Mike's leg?

(e) Use a previously unmentioned, weirdly specific, and utterly absurd power to knock the tower over?

Really, if you don’t get this one right, you're just not a Martian Manhunter fan.

Naturally, the answer is (e). J’onn simply snaps his fingers and this – somehow – causes the water tower to collapse exactly when and where he needs it to. Mirabile visu.

Just as Martian breath acts like telekinesis, Martian finger-snapping is like a Tyroc scream. It simply ... makes things happen. Just the things that J'onn needs. Water towers to fall. Waitresses to bring Oreos. Unwanted octopus pregnancies to abort. Whatever.

Now you’ve done it; now Mike is psssst.

But, as we'll soon learn, the spirit of the Human Flame is not so easily extinguished...