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So, be VERY careful with these cultural catalysts!
Danger Island
Uh oh, Chongo! Let's see, mostly naked "Nanoo" Jan-Michael Vincent, mostly naked "Black Samson" Rockne Tarkington, and mostly naked screaming Asian wildman Kim Kahana, all living together on a tropical isle. Really, I couldn't make something that homoerotic up if I had all day (I know 'cuz I've tried).
Dr. Smith
I think my favorite one is where Smith falls to his knees while wearing an ermine cape (although the "There's a monster in my bed!" one rivals the Wilhelm Scream). Really, do you know how long it takes to learn to scream that way? Months. I know 'cuz I've tried. In fact, it wasn't able to do it properly until someone spilled punch on my tan corduroy three-piece at the Homecoming Dance sophomore year in high school.
Actually, everyone focuses on poor Zachary in this show, but the real danger on Lost in Space was smoldering, laser-cannon slinging, spread-stanced testosterone factory Major Don West.
Pee-Wee's Playhouse
Mekalekka high meka hiney ho! Pee-Wee brought the "high", Conky brought the "meka", Tito brought the "hiney", and Jambi brought the "ho". Dixie the dyke, Miss Vyonne the fag-hag, a cowboy with big boots and a magic rope. I mean, really, what DIDN'T this show have going for it....? Do you how hard it is to find a man like Tito? I know 'cuz I've tried.
P.S. Roland Rodriguez, if you're reading this, call me; I'm still interested.
American Gladiators
Oh, "Militia" you can whack me with your Qtip any day you want (and after renting some of your film work, I know you know how, 'cuz you've tried!). And Wolf? I'll bring the wine if he brings the Rubik's Cube! Actually, American Gladiators does double-duty: it will make your daughter gay, too.
I swear, I think I'd marry Hellga if she brought the tennis ball cannon to the honeymoon!
Batman
Yes, Dr. Wertham was right. Nowadays, if you watch stuff on-line like Burt and Paul tossing each other around on the mat that way, you wind up wearing a digital ankle bracelet at a minimum distance of 500 yards from the local military school. I know 'cuz I've tried. The pure, raw, explosive SEXUALITY of Burton Gervis is too powerful to be denied, and it can overwhelm the underdeveloped psychosexual wiring of many a lad. And how!
P.S. Burt Ward, if you're reading this, don't call me: I'm not still interested.
