Just Stay at Home

I do so enjoy the theater, and I've found the Spider-Man Musical to be utterly delightful.

Now, do not take that the wrong way. I have neither attended nor do I intend to attend a performance of the Spider-Man Musical. No, the theater of which I speak is the theater of the plummeting disaster that is multi-million dollar excuse for art.

It should come as no surprise that I often take delight in the suffering of others. After all, before my semi-forced retirement I was an active super-villain. Super-villainy is not something you simply give up. It stays with you, like being a doctor. Which I also am.

But I digress. I have eagerly watched as the house of cards that is "Turn Off the Dark" collapsed in the stiff breeze that is reality. There is no greater pleasure for one such as myself than watching the work of conceited directors and self-important rock stars fail -- and fail spectacularly.

There is also the additional joy that is the Marvel connection. I have always despised Marvel and its pathetic attempts at villainy. There is little to be impressed with there; Marvel's villains don't seem particularly bright. I have often wondered why those excuses for "super-villains" do not simply move. After all, nearly every single one of Marvel's "heroes" are in New York).

Again I find myself drifting off-topic. My point is this: I do not like Spider-Man and am glad to see him fail. And not in a "hero" versus "villain" kind of way. Spider-Man is beneath my notice. He would not make a worthy adversary, even compared to Hal Jordan. I am simply pleased by the sheer entertainment value of seeing people I hate suffer thanks to their own hubris. Truly, are there any finer things in life?

I noticed something today when I was picking up my comics at the local shop. Take note of this Spider-Man cover:

Now, here's what I noticed. Whenever clueless idiot Peter Parker has the opportunity to kiss someone (which, by all rights should be never) he's got to take his mask off at least part of the way. That seems odd, considering how often I have people tell me that Peter Parker is "really smart."

You'd think a guy would plan for that occurrence. But no, Peter Parker constantly has to be pulling up his mask for smooching. You know who doesn't have this problem? This guy:

Batman, as we know, is ready for anything.

Some of the people at Marvel -- guys like Joe Quesada -- like to talk big. They love to go on and on about how much better they are compared to DC. They like to talk things like "Marvel is more realistic." They'll often cite things like Marvel comics taking place in "real" cities and how the president in the Marvel U is always the "real" president as opposed to whatever pitiful fake president they think DC is using.

Here today I call them hypocrites. They don't get to claim that their comic universe is more realistic and a reflection of the real world when they make J. Jonah Jameson mayor of New York. That would be the height of hypocrisy.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that this move is a bad idea. I'm sure that it will open up many interesting story possibilities. In much the same way that a fictional president might. Or a fictional city for a hero to call their own. But you are not allowed to bash your competition for such things and then turn around and do it yourself.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You have to pick one or the other. Either you're the "realistic counterpoint to your fantasy rivals" or you're "just as fantasy as your fantasy rivals."

Not that it really matters to me. I'm sticking with the non-watered down original version full of capes and fictionopolises anyway...

This won't win me any fans, but I've got to say that I still can't stand Spider-Man. I mean, look at this guy:

Look at that. I mean look at it. Can you honestly say that when you see a face like that you don't want to put your fist into it?

I see the face of Peter Parker and I want to kick him in the shins. It rubs me the wrong way, every time I see it. And it's not just that, either. It's everything about the character. I just can't stand Spider-Man. I loathe him with an intensity far beyond the rational.

I'm going to go throw up now.

I have laryngitis. When you talk as much (only out of necessity, of course!) as I do, that's bad. But I can still type. Which means I can still post this:

Marvel is a whore. And people are crazy.

Now, I'd been intending to start a post with those words as a complaint. But after today, I'm not certain that those aren't words of gratitude.

Which, naturally, is why I have laryngitis. This morning, I just had a sore throat. But I spent all day, pretty much non-stop, talking at Big Monkey, until my voice simply stopped.

What was I saying? The same thing, over and over, again. "Yes, it came out today. No, we can't hold a copy for you. Yes, it's only $3.99. No, it's sold out. No, he's on the second cover, not the first one. Yes, we can order it for you for next week if you pre-pay."

I've talking, of course, about Amazing Spider-Man #583. At first, I was keeping count of the number of calls and drop ins asking about it. But I quickly became too busy for that. Really, I don't think we'd even get these many inquiries about a comic book if it had been proven and publicized to cure acne and halitosis. Or, perhaps I underestimate the level of self-awareness of the average fanboy...?

In any case, this comic book, which doesn't cure any known ailments (which the possible exception of sickly sales at comic book shops) has generated almost... disturbing levels of interest. Almost as if Stan Lee has stumbled across the anti-life equation scrawled on the back of an old manuscript he stolen from Jack Kirby, and used to simply compel people to buy it.

Have you ever stolen a toy from a dog, or seen a small child drops its ice cream cone, or had to tell your patient that the cancer is inoperable? Well, then you have an inkling of the looks of the faces of people when they're told, "I'm sorry, we're sold out of Amazing Spider-Man #583... ." DC Comics, forget about Enemy Ace and Prometheus (since the rest of us have already): if you want to do a "Faces of Evil" series, base it on the faces of first-time comic shop visitors when they discover that Amazing Spider-Man #583 is not available in limitless supply.

Sure, we'd ordered extra copies. Didn't everyone? But we didn't really understand the breadth of Obama-mania. Did anyone? People called us from California.

Now, granted, we are in the Nation's Capital, and things sell here that don't really sell well anywhere else (like, say, C-SPAN). But, really: we sold only about 15 copies of the comic that was ABOUT Obama. Today, before I had to stagger out of the store at about 5PM, speechless, we took orders for 350 copies of Amazing Spider-Man #583. Heaven knows how many more will be taken in the rest of the evening.

I don't usually write about comics from the perspective of a store owner (it's not an especially interesting vantage point, usually, and gives little in the way of extra literary insight to the meaning and delights of comics themselves). So, as a reader, I had been planning to bitch about how, frankly, whorish Marvel is in throwing together a quick back-up story and stapling it awkwardly on end of Spider-Man's current storyline.

It's such a blatantly tawdry grab at borrowed spotlight, and so in keeping with the Marvel's utter lack of dignity. And the "story" itself? I hesitate to do it the honor of calling it "slapdash". In fact, I hated the story the first time I read it, over 20 years ago (which was in Booster Gold #8, in case you're curious). Really, how bad is it when you're stealing plots from the original Boo$ter Gold series? And is the Chameleon thinking basketball is played with helmets supposed to be... funny?

And people are falling over themselves to buy this story. It's... crazy. And maddening! There are some many good comics. And this isn't Marvel-bashing; there are plenty of good Marvel comis to be reading. In fact, until this month, I would have put Amazing Spider-Man at the top of that list. Why aren't people reading Blue Marvel, PistolFist, and Invincible? For that matter, if their interest is in Obama and not comics per se, why didn't they buy the comics that actually help you understand how impressive he and his rise are? That's a way to honor the man, not this cheap walk-on publicity stunt.

Yet...

This "publicity stunt" worked. Many people came to our store for the first time today. I got of a lot of people to leave with copies of Blue Marvel, PistolFist, and Invincible. Comic books reasserted their relevance today; even if they don't always deserve it, comic book still, in basic cultural ways, matter. That only happened because "Marvel is a whore" and because "people are crazy".

So I suppose I should just shut my trap and be grateful for it.