Just Stay at Home

How does one design a travel poster for Apex City, home of the Martian Manhunter? How can you hope to capture the craziness? The bizarre landmarks, like the Statue of Atlas? The ludicrous weather, like the weekly meteor showers? The strange threats like the ubiquitous flying saucers? The seaside location and the Miami-like towering buildings? And if can you do all this, how do you then manage to subtly incorporate the city's hero, the Martian Manhunter himself, into the mix?

Well, I don't you know how you do it. But I do it like this....


Although I may have to do another version, just to see whether I can hang the Human Squirrel off the side of one of those buildings...

I had a delightful Christmas, and one of my the big gifts I received is the fantastic DC Comics: Year by Year, a "visual chronicle" that covers the entire seventy-five year history of DC Comics.

It's a beautiful book, and I'm slowly making my way through DC's history and learning something along the way. In the process I've come across something that will make somebody very happy.

I had just reached the entry for November, 1955 where Detective Comics #225 is discussed. The key point about Detective #225 is that it features the first appearance of Martian Manhunter. While reading the entry my mouth dropped open at these words:

"Now stuck on Earth, J'onn observed the culture and created the identity of John Jones, a crime fighter and investigator in Apex City."

The existence of an Apex City has previously been proposed. But now we have confirmation from an official DC publications proving that Martian Manhunter really did reside in Apex City.

So, after all the lunacy we went through in Volume 1 of the Martian Manhunter Showcase, what happens in the second Volume?


Everything gets stranger. Much stranger.

You think that's not possible?

How is it possible? In Volume 1, J'onn J'onnz had cars driving across his giant butt, used Martian finger snapping to cure cancer and square the circle, fought the Human Squirrel, and created ice cream cones out of thin air with his mind. Really, where can you go from there?

Well. I guess we'll see. One thing, I'll say; you do NOT go to "Middleton".

I reject the false doctrine of the Middletonites, and I hew to the Apex Creed:

I believe in one city, Apex City, home of the Martian Manhunter, and at all times, whether he's visible or invisible.

And in one J'onn J'onnz, the only-remaining son Mars, created in the Silver Age before all heroes; J'onn of J'onnz, lighted by firelight, very Silver of the Silver Age; written, not edited, being of one substance with the Schwartz, by whom all comics were made.

I've read both Volumes of Martian Manhunter Showcases, and there is only ONE mentioned of the putative "Middleton" as the home of the Martian Manhunter. And here it is:

Okay, in case you don't recognize my megalocranial friend there, that's Prof. Arnold Hugo, a one-off Batman foe (Detective Comics #306, August 1962, "The Wizard of a Thousand Menaces!"), whose biggest accomplishment was failing to create an artificial moon. Hugo's debut against Batman was in the same issue of Tec where Detective John Jones died (more on that later!). Arnold Hugo became the Martian Manhunter *snicker* arch-enemy. Sigh. I guess it was a step up from the Human Squirrel and the Human Flame.

Anyway, it's Arnold Hugo who identifies MM's town as "Middleton", and it's never mentioned again. A hapax legomenon uttered by a notorious lunatic, liar, and loser is nothing to base continuity on! I think Arnold's just raving. Or perhaps Middleton is a suburb or or neighborhood within Apex City.

Regardless... it's still clear we're in Apex City:

"Hello, everyone. I'm meteorologist Misty Hazen, joining you, my colleagues here at station WFLA, and all citizens of Apex, as we mourn the loss of our treasured hero, J'onn J'onzz, the 'Martian Manhunter'.

"Services will be held for Mr. J'onzz all this week throughout Apex, so that everyone can find time to attend. Let's take a look at the forecast for the week so you can plan accordingly...

"Today the weather will be normal and seasonal, with large earthward meteors expected all over town.


"Tuesday, falling planes are anticipated in the morning,


but in the afternoon, those should taper off...

..and completely disappear by the late afternoon.


"Wednesday should be lovely in the city, with falling meteors,


but prepare for scattered crazy bullets in the countryside.


"Thursday, look for both sudden giant and freak waves in the area of Rainbow Beach.



"Friday could see some serious falling safes...


particularly in Toontown.

"Saturday should be clear, with the possibility of an automotive tornado in the Gawking District.


"Sunday, the weather should return to normal with flaming meteors exploding over mid-town."

"Wishing you all safe mourning,this is Misty Hazen, saying, 'Look to the skies! Keep watching the skies!'..."

So, I'm not going to even bother repeating the options in our multi-choice cliff-hanger question in the previous post, since I'm positive that you all correctly guessed that the answer was
(e).Employs his two stupidest powers in combination and in a way never seen before or since to defeat Mike and Joey.

Yes, if you read enough J'onn J'onzz, it should be obvious what the solution to J'onn's problem with the Human Flame would be. It's the same solution he uses for all his problems...

TWIRLING.

Yep, J'onn literally twirls the earth right out from under them! Really, it's kind of sad how J'onn can't just cut loose on his own, and has to maneuver himself into absurd situations where he can pretend that twirling is his only reasonable option (rather than just shooting someone in the leg). J'onn, sweetie; just go out to the club, throw your arms above your head and start twirling to the latest from Mary J. Blige.

Wait a second. Saying that made me realize something: Mike and Joey look AWFULLY familiar in the panel. Almost... almost as if I'd seen them before. OH, no! OF COURSE!

What was the name of that club I saw them dancing at here in DC? Oh, yes, now I remember. What else would it be called?

APEX.

Oh, the comic book irony.

Anyway, I promised you J'onn combined two of his stupidest powers in taking down Mike and Joey, and so he did. He Martian-twirled the ground out from under them, then Martian-breathed them all into the upper atmosphere.

No, the Silver Age Martian Manhunter could not fly. He could conjure ice creams cones from thin air, alter the path of baseballs with his mind, and frighten sharks with one look, but he could not fly. So here he uses his Martian breath to blow them aloft. And you thought Wonder Woman "riding the air currents" was stupid (and it is, by the way).


So, the Manhunter successfully twirls and blows Mike and Joey to jail. Typical.


Note that this is the first time we've seen Mike without his helmet. Stunning, isn't it? By the way, is that John Jones's boss, the all-consumingly corpulent Captain Harding, or is this just Frank Quitely's first work for DC?

I guess we're supposed to assume that Mike and Joey go to jail after this. Personally, I assume that, since Mike's still wearing the crime suit and it's apparently impossible for anyone to simply, say, shoot him in the leg, that the next panel would show Mike burning the cops to screaming husks while Joey distracts Captain Harding by throwing him a Hostess Fruit Pie with Real Fruit Filling. Because I'm certain I've seen those two dancing at Apex since then... .

TOMORROW: What It All Means!

When last we left Mike, Joey, and J'onn, J'onn had snapped his magic Martian fingers, causing an entire water tower to topple, dowsing the flames of our plucky villain. But the Human Flame is not so easily extinguished, Grant, and Mike immediately leapt into action with his next idea.

As previously discussed, Mike (the Human Flame) was very big on the concept of the crime suit, but his plan for applying it seemed a bit spotty...

I can just picture Mike's personal page on Crimester.com: "Just your average curly-haired, barrel-chested guy with a handle bar mustache. My pastimes include sewing outfits to aid my criminal endeavors, jogging down the center of Florida highways, and robbing ugly banks." No wonder Joey fell in love.

”As long as I’m here, I’ll rob this bank,” is quite the impromptu crime plan. Mike’s the kind of guy who, in our universe, winds up shirtless face-down licking macadam on Cops. In the DCU, he winds up being the pivot point of a company-wide crossover.

Finally, we get to the World's Ugliest Bank, as promised in the splash panel (this scene does appear in this comic!) Let's focus a bit more on this panel; there's important stuff here I don't want you to miss! Specifically...

• The bank has glass walls.
• 
  
• The bank is closed
• 
  
• The bank is adjacent to or comprises a Tudor Barn, whose magical nature has yet to be revealed.
• 
  
• Joey tiptoes through the water to avoid damaging his Kenneth Coles.
• 
  
• J'onn packs junk.

Cantilevered populux architecture… at a bank?! Mike, don’t rob the place: TORCH IT.

So, when they reach the Bank With Glass Walls, what does Mike do?
Burns through the steel door. Of course. Because what's the point of being the Human Flame if you just break through a glass window? Obviously Mike learned how to apply his power by following the Martian Manhunter's principles. Always use the least natural application of your abilities possible. Whenever possible, make up new abilities (like the ability of fire to burn through steel).

"I dare not get any closer!" J'onn thought-gasps, utterly oblivious to the fact that Mike is within arm's reach. J'onn, baby; you just blew a 12,000 lb. armored truck away on the previous page. Just give the man a Martian kick and break his leg. Heck, I could do that, and I'm not even a Martian.

By the way... you didn't notice the Magical Tudor Barn disappear, did you? Maybe it's a Martian barn and went invisible to hide from Mike.

So, this bank, which apparently was once a barbershop, is, as we know, closed. Well, it must be a very profitable bank, because they can afford to pay two uniformed guards to stand around in the closed bank all day. Unarmed guards, too, I guess; otherwise, they would just, you know, shoot Mike in the leg.

At least, now we understand the narrative reason for the glass walls: it's so J'onn can see (and comment on) the action in the bank. Because it's not like J'onn can see through solid objects. Oh, wait, that's right; he can. I tell you, the writers of J'onn's stories really needed to take better notes, or at least enter him in their Contacts Database: "Jones, John. Detective, Apex City. Hometown: Mars. See through walls. Magical finger snapping. Likes Oreos. Dog's name is Jupiter. Does not smoke."

While J'onn continues to pose helplessly so that the light shadows his junk flatteringly, Mike and Joey skip off with the loot, headed for home and a private celebration.


J'onn follows them and, rather than sneaking up on them with his power of invisibility, he opts for a full frontal assault.

Joey's afraid of J'onn's full frontal come on because, well, he's notice the Manhunter's junk, too. Actually, J'onn's faking them out. Because the main use of superpowers in the Silver Age is to deceive people, not breaking criminals' legs.

Because Mike and Joey are idiots, they assume J'onn just sort of fades into nothingness, kind of like a Tudor Barn. This, kids, is the difference between a scientist and an inventor.

Behind every successful criminal is a love-struck gunsel. And Mike's thinking, "Tonight, he'll do ANYTHING for me...!"

Now that the Experienced Martian Manhunter (cj083) has been knocked of his first click, his Invulnerability is still prey to the Human Flame's Exploit Weakness, so he moves to the closest Hindering Terrain, a nearby tree, and activates his Stealth, waiting to use the Ambush Feat Card on his next turn after he rests and clears his action token. Oh, sorry... for a second the whole story seemed to turn into a Heroclix maneuver.

Seriously, this is J'onn's final gambit against the Human Flame, because it's already been five pages and he's got to wrap this up soon. What does J'onn do?

(a) Pushes the tree over onto Mike, breaking his leg.
(b) Seduces Joey to betray Mike by taking the form of a giant octopus.
(c) Snaps his fingers, causing Mike's head to explode inside his helmet.
(d) Goes back to his police car, gets his service revolver, and shoots Mike in the leg.
(e) Employs his two stupidest powers in combination and in a way never seen before or since to defeat Mike and Joey.

Really, if you don't get this one, you just haven't been paying attention.

Oh, in case you're wondering why J'onn never does the obvious thing -- call the dang Fire Department -- to capture Mike, the answer should be clear: this is Apex, America's Most Flammable City. Don't bother calling the Fire Department, because they're already busy elsewhere. Everywhere, in fact.

Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion of the Story of the Human Flame PLUS an analysis of the deep deep symbolism of this story and what it says about the human condition.

Alright, since no one else seems willing to do this, I guess I’ll have to. After all, thanks to my Apex City research, I’ve spent LOTS of time reading the Martian Manhunter Showcase, so I’m as inoculated as one can get against the characteristic lunacy of a J’onn J’onnz story.

And since I'm the only blogger I know who ever talked about this guy before he was revealed to be a pivot point of the Final Crisis crossover, it behooves me to tell...

The Story of the Human Flame

"Yes, the secret is out!" This story takes place right after the existence of the Martian Manhunter first became public knowledge (in "The Unmasking of J'onn J'onnzz") to the phlegmatic citizens of Apex (Apexians? Apexites?). Instead of going "Nyyaahhhhg! A Martian is among us! Bomb him!" like any decently xenophobic denizens of the 1950s, the Apexers simply said, "Cool; our own superhero." When you live in a town where meteors fall daily, I guess you develop substantial sang-froid.

So, once he's come out, J'onn's first challenge is facing a Human Flame. Ain't it always the way?

Who is the Human Flame? Once upon a time there was a handyman/criminal named “Mike”. He had a pal named Joey. That’s what you called your male lover in the Silver Age; your “pal”. This does not apply to Jimmy Olsen, because we all know what Superman called his male lover in the Silver Age.

Anyway, Mike liked to tinker, so he made himself an undefeatable crime suit, using the workbench pictured below; Ty Pennington, eat your heart out.

I'm guessing the box marked "XXX" had a lot to do with inspiring the crime suit.

Poor Joey. Home from getting the Sunday edition of the Daily Clarion, ready to snuggle in at the secluded country cottage, eagerly anticipating Mike's emergence in a frilly negligee, or a boy scout uniform, or a leather harness. But instead...

"Nnyyahhhhg! Jeez, Mike no "full body suit" scenarios!
Who do you think you are... Masterman?"

Now, if someone asks you over and is wearing a jury-rigged hazmat outfit that shoots fire and tells you he’s wearing a “crime suit”, you or any ordinary person would say, “heh..heh heh… yeah, um, that’s real nice, that’s a real nice crime suit alright oh, look at the time, gotta go return some books to the library catch you later, ‘cuz, heh, the police sure won’t while you’re wearing your crime suit!” But Joey is not an ordinary person, he’s a person in love, so he decides to tag along with Mike as his crime spree begins.

And thus we set the stage for our tale: Gee, water tower; human flame. Wonder where that's headed... .

Anyway, Mike seems pretty confident that no cop on earth can stop him because he's wearing a suit that shoots fire. I suppose the ordinary police couldn’t possibly handle the crime suit by, you know, shooting Mike in the leg. The crime suit raises other interesting questions, like, where does the fuel for the flames come from, how does it generate lightning bolts, and is that a cinch-waist jacket or sansabelt pants? If they're sansabelts, then Apex City is definitely in Florida.

Mike didn't just design the crime suit to confound the cops (who couldn't possibly just shoot him in the leg), but to stymie the Martian Manhunter as well, since there's a rumor in the underworld that his weakness is fire. You see, in the previous story, J'onn defeated an invading Martian villain by using his Martian breath to suck in burning leaves from several miles away, then blow them into a circle around the villain, all without extinguishing the flames. Yes, really.

Anyway, the rumor may have gotten started when the villain, who was a total drama queen, fell to his knees screaming out loud to the entire city, "FIRE--the one Martian weakness! I--I'm losing all my strength! Oh-h-h!" That's how rumors get started.

By the way, how we got through that panel without seeing Mike light Joey's cigarette, I'll never know.

Mike, like many inventors, had his concept down pat, but was a little fuzzy on how to apply his technology. Thus, his plan for using the crime suit is to stagger leadenly down a Florida highway like a crazy guy on the road until an armored truck comes along. Which, fortunately for the plot, and Mike, it does.

Just in time. Mike's already taken a dump in the crime suit and is about to pass out with heat exhaustion from walking along a Florida highway in a fireproof suit. I think I'm going to re-do my Apex City map to include a roadsign that says "DETOUR -- CRAZY GUY IN ROAD NEXT 500 FEET".

Although we call crime-suited Mike “the Human Flame”, the suit actually did more than just shoot flames. Give the guy some credit. It also shot out electric bolts. In fact, Mike appears to have developed a practical, affordable, portable, non-lethal, and directable EMP generator.

Oh, if only someone like, say, the Army, would be interested in such a thing. They might have made Mike a nice offer. Pity. Or he could have marketed it as an anti-meteorite coat, and become the richest man in Apex overnight.

Naturally, the security guards radio for help, and, even more naturally, John Jones is the only person to turn up.
Even more more naturally, John turns into the Martian Manhunter to handle the situation. Rather than, you know, just getting out of the car and shooting Mike in the leg... .
So, instead of just shooting Mike in the leg with his service revolver, J'onn has to use his absurd panoply of Martian powers to deal with the situation. What do you think he does (no fair peeking in the MM Showcase?)

(a). uses his superstrength to throw a rock at Mike, breaking his leg.
(b). uses his invisibility and intangibility to sneak up on Mike and tie his shoelaces together, causing him to trip and break his leg.
(c). uses mind-over-matter to draw gold from the local seawater and bribes Joey to shoot Mike in the leg.
(d). summons all the powers from the void of space to conjure a giant ice cream cone atom by atom with which to dowse the flames.
(e). something pointless that doesn't debilitate Mike but gives him the opportunity to attack the Martian Manhunter.

Turn in tomorrow to find out, same Martian-time, same Martian-station!