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Over a three-martini lunch, the editors of MLJ Comics must have meet at some point to discuss the ending of their latest Shield story. And how to keep the little buggers reading the Shield's adventures in Pep Comics. Because, lord knows, they didn't want to have to write any more of that Riverdale crap. Jeez, that stuff gives me the creeps.
So, which martini were they on, you think, when they decided to have the Shield not only violate the Fourth Wall and warn kids to read the next issue ...
but have him do so over the silhouette of a fresh corpse?
Now that's wholesome Golden Age entertainment. I'll have what they're having!
Truly, I miss Golden Age comics!
As you know, our hero the Shield is utterly impervious to harm. It's a neat trick, but it does limit suspense. Fortunately, the Shield found his kid sidekick, Dusty, to trail after him and act as clobbering magnet.
Well, now we know how Dusty's brains got exposed on the cover. Honestly, Dusty's not even wearing a HAT. That shock of red hair practically screams "HIT ME HERE!"
The Shield, with concern that might have been put to better use BEFORE dragging Ricochet Lad with him into battle, first punches out the hammer-wielding Nazi...
...then checks on Dusty the Damage-Mop, who, much to his credit, not only recovers immediately but muses about it philosophically in a haiku entitled:
Um.. actually, Dusty, it is every day someone hits you with a hammer. It's getting harder and harder to remember, though, isn't it? You'll probably have forgotten it entirely by the time Child Services arrives.
Now that your brain's been exposed to Dusty's haiku, can you counter with a haiku of your own to celebrate this touching moment of blunt force trauma?
Usually, the 3D nature of Pep covers helps the Shield. But on the cover of 39, perspective turns against himlike some sort of artistic auto-immune disease. It's distorted his limbs and jerked them to angles so painful even the Shield can't help showing it on his face. Psst! Shield! The lipstick doesn't help...
Plus, it's obviously thrown off his aim, so he completely missed hitting Attila the Vampire Cat-person Voodoo Japanazi Who Gets His Workout Gear from the International Male Catalog.
Dusty the Boy Bondage seems to have nodded off, or may have already died from having his entire brain exposed. Oh, unless that's his hair. Dusty's lucky! He might have been in danger if Simitar-san hadn't just been shot by Ayikanasiyu, the World's Most Awkward Marksman/Chaffeur and his inable female lookout, Seen-us DeMilo.
One benefit to the perspective though: the odious Hangman is trapped on an Escherian stair/ledge, with zero clearance and steps that approach but never arrive down at the groundfloor action. The farther he is in the background the better. In fact, without my reading glasses, I'd swear he was just a color-reversed Silver Age Batwoman.
The Hangman -- who doesn't look anything like Batman -- is where he belongs: in the background, sequestered from the rest of the scene by the boundary created by the cannon. At first I thought the Hangman was going to take that Nazi and do a Bane-style backbreaking maneuver. But then I realized he's in the middle of enacting a much more horrible punishment: he's forcing the Nazi to stare up at the ineffable horror of the name of ARCHIE, the Fuhrer of Riverdale. You think that Nazi's wearing jodhpurs? Think again; just like his soul, his body has evacuated itself when faced with the existential terror of the Andrews Abyss. Shame on you, Hangman (who is not designed to make you think of Batman at all)-- that's a fate too cruel to impose even on a Nazi.
Dusty's having a high old time, having switched out his starched cape for a parachute, as he plummets down to --
And the Shield? The Shield is no-nonsense this month! He has ZERO tolerance for Nazis who dare to steal American culture by doing the Lady Gaga Bad Romance Dance at their National Socialist Rallies. "You'll not be filming THIS choreography, Leni Riefensthal!" he shouts.
Usually I make fun of the Shield's apparent fondness for golden showers as a form of punishment, as this month's yellow cover reminds us. But, gosh, he's got other tricks up his sleeve-- specifically, his FIST! Watch him shove his fist in that aperture, causing the cannon to explode back on to its owner...! "And THIS one's for the Future Farmers of America!" he cracks.
Wow, is it warm on this cover, or is it just me...?
Phew! That cover is SUCH a relief. The Shield, with heavily inked musculature (even in his hair!), is pole-vaulting into a hay-carpeted redoubt teeming with Japanazis, who are apparently in the midst of boring to death some bound Americans, several of whom have already nodded off. Dusty, his cape in extra-starched glory, is socking Tojo Junior in the jaw with, um, a Nikon camera? It's hard to tell, but I'm sure Dusty is indulging in adolescent war-time smack-talk: "Turns out your inferior foreign electronics are good for something after all, Colonel-san!" And the odious Hangman is relegated to the background, busy casting shadows and mopping up the also-rans. ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE on the cover of PEP!
Dear Libby,
Dear Contrary:
Use a tank! They're great for churning up the soil and you can get them surprisingly cheap at the Army Surplus Store.
Be careful, though; sometimes the used ones still have previous operators lurking inside! Before use your second-hand tank, have your friendly neighborhood Hangman clean it out thoroughly.
Dear Tread,
Simple! The answer is a point-tata-ed blonde.Strap one of these Vicki Vale wannabes onto your tank treads, and watch as those wire-rimmed push-ups, pointy shoes, and teeth-filled shriek-holes simply tear up the turf. Remember, you'll need to change them after every few uses; nobody wants to plow with a dirty hoe.
Besides, hoe-girls are cheap. Certainly cheaper than tanks. Arm yourself with some of these bullet-bra babes and tank-gardening will be a truly harrowing experience.
Help! My backyard plantings were doing so well. But now it's infested with Japanazis! What's a victory gardener to do?
Under ordinary circumstances, The Shield would probably be just staring up at the sky and thinking, "How the heck did Rorschach manage to colonize the MOON? Damn that man's publicity manager!"But the tribal tattooing of our moon is literally upstaged by a closer horror: the freakin' Hangman occupying the foreground of a Pep Cover. Meanwhile, poor The Shield is so shocked to be relegated to a Dusty-in-the-distance shot that he's dislocated his jaw in open-mouthed astonishment. "What th--?! This is MY comic, you finheaded freak!! And what have you done with Dusty's CAPE STARCH?!?!"
It's all part of the "Quiet Revolution", of course, by which the Evil One, the Living Avatar of Surrealism, the Hell-God Andrews will make Pep his domain. The Big Reveal will be that the Hangman was in the pay of the Riverdale mob all along, undermining The Shield's position and authority in preparation for the takeover. As Darth Vader is to Emperor Palpatine, so is the Hangman to his lord and master, Archie Andrews.
"We must find Dusty, Hangman! I've searched all his regular haunts -- the Candy Store, the Malt Shoppe, the Daisy BB gun Emporium -- to no avail! Let's take a look in this Escherian Quonset hut.
"Washington's wig! It's a Nazi tank factory--here, on Florida Avenue! And over there, captive, and forced to wear one of those Stanley Marcus's skin-tight, Rosie the Riveter style outfits suggested by the War Production Board's regulation L-85, just like I read about in McCall's-- it's Joan Crawford! The fiends!
"She's being held in one of those new-fangled necklace fitters. And good gravy--! They've capture Kilroy!!!
"Okay, Hangman, here's the plan: we move to--
"Hangman?
"Dang it, Hangman, where are--? Ah, jeez, he's dropping from the catwalk. Alright, then, we'll just wing it. Lord, how I miss Dusty!"
"Wilkommen, meinen dammen und herren, auf
COOKING ZE NAZI VAY!
"Today ve are cooking Madonna-kabob. Many vould broil Madonna-kabob, but ze Nazi vay is to cooking it by STEAMING it. Zis leaves in all ze natural vitamins und preserves ze flavor... provided you do not steam too long, ja?
"Zlowly und shteadily turn over ze Madonna-kabob over your Max Schmeling Home Grill (tm), using a helmeted subhuman captured by ze North African campaigns. For extra zest, pepper it lightly mit bullets und ze strained angvish of an emotionally crushed Americanische military officer. Ach! Zo sweet!
"Zen, you gently remove ze lid from a large und clearly marked Nazi pot of boiling--VAT?! DONNERWETTER! Getten zie out of mein kitchen, you masked lunatics...!"
Now this is some Pep-style Detective-Action-Adventure!!! Which, in case you hadn't noticed, takes place in AUGUST, and apparently in the Skull Cave.
The Shield is back where he belongs, on Stage Right, with his hair well-inked and sporting a kicky new blue sequin cinch belt, just like my Aunt Susie used to wear to the Sock Hop; slimming! I think Hangman took him shopping to freshen his look... .
The Shield is practically bursting off the page to a degree that must have made 25 year-old Jack Kirby's nipples hard. Not just zhoompfing in like he usually does, the Shield is left-hooking Herr Zoeller there through the Fourth Wall so hard, I almost ducked, just like my Aunt Susie seeing "House on Haunted Hill" for the first time in the theater. And the gorilla downstage left is nearly petrified by it!
Meanwhile, the Hangman, still borrowing Dusty's cape starch while the kid's away at Archie Re-Education Camp, is strangling what looks like Eclipso's grandpa, just as he was about to employ an electricified marital aid ("The new five-speed Whoopie Rotor (tm)!" as endorsed by William Moulton Marston) on young Madonna, who's taking a break from her work on the set of the Republic Serial version of Evita to get chained to a stump for her usual lunchtime shenanigans, much like my Aunt Susie in the woods after the big Homecoming game. At least, that's how my mother tells it.
Now THIS is more like it! Party at the Chinese Communist Party platform!
Oh, wait;this being in World War II, those are probably Japanese, aren't they? Darn. Well, in ten years, they'll be Chinese, and probably drawn the same way; you know what they say, "They're all drawn alike".
Judging from the layout of this melee, I can only assume that our heroes have decided to crash the catwalk at the opening of Rei Kawakubo's spring line.
Finally, the Hangman is doing something remotely useful, like feeling up Captain Swastika. Actually that's not the original Captain S; you can tell because he's not wearing the hideous color scheme from the previous Pep cover. It appears to be a black man with better fashion sense, replacing the original. Very progressive, those Nazis. Or perhaps by this point they were jealous of Jesse Owens... . Or maybe Captain Swastika is just being played by Morgan Freeman (who'll do anything for a buck).
The Shield, meanwhile, is making a highly uncharacteristic stage left entrance from above. Must be Dusty's day off. Explains why the Hangman stole his cape starch.
What th==?! It's the same lady in red from the cover of Pep 25. Who do you think you are, sweetie, Lois Lane? Well, Lo-lo knows better than to wear a red low-cut dress to dangerous places like prison yards and Japanese fashion shows. Might as well paint a bull's-eye on your forehead.
Revolution is not a pretty thing and the cover of Pep 28 is no exception to the rule.
We've already seen hints of what Pep scholars call the 'Quiet Revolution', that is, the Shield's slow loss of dominance over the comic book he made famous. But issue 28 is a watershed... .
It is the first time the Shield does not appear on the cover of Pep. At least, not in the main illustration. The Shield is relegated to the circular ghetto of a character imprimatur in upper right hand corner, displacing the usual promise of Pep's unique brand of Action Detective Adventure.
And indeed the symbolism is accurate, for instead of classic Pep-brand Action Detective Adventure, we are served schoolyard posturing and bluster. Talking?!?! Why is there talking on a Pep cover? When there's talking on a Pep cover, people, the terrorists win.
Responsible is none other than that odious poseur, Hangman, and *snicker* 'Captain Swastika', a villain so lame he wears chinos, sketchers, and a timex into battle.
Well, not battle, really. More like two dogs barking at each other through a fence. Two snitty, horribly dressed partisans, squatting like bears in the woods, hurling weak invectives in the form of failed haiku that appear to have been translated from Japanese, vying for position on a novelty sumo mat shaped like the contiguous U.S. Less focused on Action Detective Adventure than on his own appearance, Hangman made sure to bribe the lighting crew to get his signature silhouette on the backdrop of, um, well, space, or whatever that would be.
Oh, and for those who are wondering whether "Hangman can stop America's greatest menace?", the answer is clearly "NO"....
because Archie is still being published today.
BORING!
Or, sure, you've got the usual "Shield Rushes in From Stage Right" pose, the "Dusty Falls From Nowhere" thing, and the "Why is the Hangman Always in the Way" scene. But really, a giant fist of metaphorical tyranny, after they already fought the giant foot of metaphorical tyranny on the cover of Pep 22? What's the Shield's fascination with giant body parts all about, huh?
Punching through the Bill of Rights? Is this a Pep Cover or a pamphlet from the Cato Institute? Or, given the Shield's level of kink, from the FFA?
I do, however, like the idea that world-threatening political movements that destroy civilizations and slaughter and torture millions have little logo rings, and logo stamps to put on the bottom of your world-stomping jackboots, and probably other little trinkets, like keychains, and bracelets that say, "What Would Adolf Do?" Now we know where Archie got all his ideas for the Archie Club.
If only the Shield & Co. had recognized the threat of Archie and neutralized it before so many generations of young minds were destroyed. I blame Neville Chamberlain and John Goldwater.
Well, finally we see what it takes to make the Hangman, Shield, and Dusty laugh:
the torture of prisoners of war.
And given his stance, I shouldn't be at all surprised if the Shield is planning on giving them a very special shower of ritual humiliation in the near future.
Special note to Dusty. You shouldn't laugh and point at other people. Particularly not in that outfit.
It's the 4th of July! If you're inclined to celebrate do so with The Shield, one of the first patriotic American super-heroes!
